Hands. Stuffed with forced mumbles rolled into fists filled with trapped opinions of the rights waiting to be freed and punch the transparency hollow air. Unpredictable.

As I sit here and unfold the wilted state of reality, I am forced to blink countless of times before sinking in the sad truth and consequence of our tainted selves that leads us to where we are now.

I feel both young and old. Young, because I know I still have a longer road ahead of me. Old, because of all the roads I’ve conquered, the countless slips and falls. Bleed, I was often. Bleed, was inevitable. Bleed, taught me to break out from boxes with limited space, suffocating my dreams. Bleed, got me to where I am now. Bleed, is necessary.

Everyday now, living each moment, breathing the daily stench of envy and jealousy from society, swimming with the outnumbered packages of challenges delivered right to our doorstep and knowing that we will always suffice, and thrive for the greater goodness in life.

We’ll make it.

Blind are we. We are blind. Very. Blinded by everything. Blinded by even the smallest of thoughts. Blinded by the strong rays of sunshine that greeted us every morning. Blinded by the soft, pure, misty light from the moon, fully drawn, carved onto night skies. Blinded by words. Words that painted countless of pictures by strangers we have never met before. The pen so tough, firmly bows down to his master and followed every single step, swirls, rejections and success. Blinded by actions of others. Blinded by empty, hopeless promises. Blinded, simply blinded.

What are we suppose to do with such unjust. How are we suppose to react to such insecurity, haunting, traumatizing us every night, picking on our very last inch of self defence. Self.

Life is all about taking leaps and leaps of faith. Constantly being pushed over steep cliffs, no parachutes, no helium to fill up our self blown air of lack of confidence, no ropes to be thrown and tighten over a huge big rock balancing holding to our weight. Nothing. We jump into a river of faith, overflowing hopes, unfinished bubbles of dreams, tuck down by heavy waves of setbacks. Pushed over to the middle of the sea over again.

You swim, you keep swimming. Choked with the heaviest saltiest taste in your mouth, you keep swimming.

Sleep is like surrendering ourselves to the unknown. You will never know what you will be dreaming the next time you fall into this black hole of ‘the closure of sight’. You will never know where the dreams may take you. One night, I dreamt I was chased by a gigantic chicken cockle doodle-ing to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance, “Ra ra ra ah ah roma roma mama”. As disturbing as it may sound, it gets more perplexed towards the end of the dream where I ended up being in the middle of a playground sitting on a swing with an ice cream on one hand. Drips of the vanilla ice cream flooded my entire red blouse. My boots drowned in sand, reaching to my ankle, my ribboned socks camouflaged with the pale brown colour of the artificial sand. For some reason, my skin was paler and much fairer. Thus making the colour of my socks much more dirtier and muddy looking. Maybe I tumbled into a puddle from the running from the evil chicken. Maybe, this is what dreams is all about. Irrelevant, inaccurate, silly, absurd, all gelled into just one term.

Dreams. See where it can take you? See the different forms of self that one can transform into? See the constant flow of inconsistency?

This is all one needs. An escapism from reality, a break from the immoral world, and take a stroll into the forest of stillness and surrender.

Sleep, is genius.

Maintaining healthy relationships with family, friends, lovers, neighbours, society is beyond just, love. Beyond just understanding and learning about each other better. It’s a constant cycle of getting to know an individual even deeper. Two three years of friendship won’t guarantee that a person knows the other enough. Relationship off all kinds is a process. Waking up to life, every day is a brand new challenge, brand new opportunity for us to progress further.

I fall in and out of chaos. I stood, grew, taller, wiser. Stronger. The bedlams of life, are unavoidable. But being human, we are ought to thrive from issues. From everything.

]]> http://remedyavenue.wordpress.com/2011/10/05/cycle/feed/ 0 elibt http://remedyavenue.wordpress.com/2011/09/28/being/ http://remedyavenue.wordpress.com/2011/09/28/being/#comments Wed, 28 Sep 2011 16:12:59 +0000 eli http://remedyavenue.wordpress.com/?p=2419 ]]> It has always been a constant battle for me. Adapting to changes, adapting to changes, adapting to changes. Change is consistent. I think it is by far the most consistent phase we have to go through almost rapidly, every single day. We are faced with countless of doubts, issues built up in our little minds. Almost every morning, we are conflicted with our own reflection. The goals that you have verses the expectations of the society. One always falls into painting a two-face picture.

 A picture that depicts both the good and bad. A picture that most of us failed to decipher wisely. A picture that caters to our alter ego. Our upper self, sitting foolishly beaming with a self righteous glow every time we adhere to its calls.

It is part of being a being, to feel a certain way, act, talk, dress, listens, forgets. It is also part of being a being, to choose what to feel, how to talk, ways to dress, filters our listening and, diligently forgets.

More than just being. What, is being?

2 decades of my life just passed by me in a span of only 24hours. They say if youre in a black hole, time and space are infinite. we, are not living in black holes, are we?  maybe in between the milky way. the galaxy are way too complex for one to decipher. stars, planets, supernova, hyper supernova. super massive black hole. muse got inspired by stars and more, just like me. name a star named after me, would you?

yesternight i was sandwiched with smiles, suffocated with laughters and fed till full with food cakes and joy. 2 years of celebrating birthdays without family definitely did quite a pretty big hole bitter damage. family are the greatest form of blessings one can ever ask for. home is where family is, and since mine just happened to migrate and decided to stay for 5 years, then, i guess jakarta is, my home. (singapore, youre a sunny island still but jakarta has my family. i think you should invest on more ways on how to pull them back to your tiny island!)

a lot learned. uncountable mistakes. definitely have come a long way, only longer more to go. ive realised life is all about moving on and letting go and forgiving. even if its the hardest, even if it beats you, even if its the first thing you think of everyday and the last before bed. that thing, will, make you stronger, wiser. and when its passed, you know that youve overcome that tough phase in life, only to realize that you were all along getting yourself all prepped up for other tougher phases. keep your head up no matter how weak you get, because there will always be a light, somewhere, anywhere, that will pull you back and whispers “everything will, be okay.”